The 6 Human Needs and Relationship Breakthrough by Chloe Madanes

"There is no security in life and there is no security in relationships, there is only what you can contribute.  There is only what you can create, and getting people to that place is not an easy thing to do, but when they do it, it brings up a whole new universe, because when someone's in love, what's wrong with your life?  You know nothing is wrong!  It's a beautiful morning every day and you're as silly as hell!  But when you don't have that love in their life and everything else is going well, they still come to that empty side at the end, and that's the place where the most successful people on earth, that's where they are lonely so often and that's the area that you really have to dig in to help someone."

The secret to a happy and great relationship is satisfying each other's human needs.  When you satisfy any two needs of a person, you have made a connection.  When you have satisfied 4 of their human needs, you have created a bond.  If you satisfy all of their human needs the person will never want to leave you.

Whenever you are trying to bring change in a relationship, you must first understand what needs you and the other person value most, how each of you habitually meets those needs, and what is preventing those needs from being met.

To influence another person (or to change yourself), you must understand their model of the world--their core beliefs and values, the emotions they habitually experience--as well as the other people and decisions that influence them.  You can't change someone without knowing what already influences them.  You have to dig and be proactive.  Notice--when you push, how does the other person react?  When you are pushed, how do you react?  Do you call your mother?  Do you bury yourself in work?  Do you turn to drugs, alcohol, or food?  

The 6 Human Needs

1. Certainty/ Comfort

We want to feel safe, avoid pain, and feel comfortable in our environment and our relationships.  Every individual needs to have some sense of certainty and security--a roof over one's head, knowing where the next meal will come from, knowing how obtain care when one is sick, knowing that a neighbor won't attack us.  These are just a few examples of what constitutes a basic sense of certainty.

The helpless infant needs certainty as well as the child, the adult, and the elderly person.  The degree to which certainty is needed or desired, however, varies from person to person.  Some people feel secure living in one room and collecting an unemployment check.  Others can feel certainty only if they make a million dollars each year.  Even though some certainty is necessary to all of us, what constitutes certainty varies from individual to individual.  Code words for certainty are: comfort, security, safety, stability, feeling grounded, predictability, and protection.

  All human beings crave a certain level of safety, assurance and predictability in our lives, for this is the foundation of our most basic behavior: survival. When things are VERY uncertain, we tend to be freaked out! Which causes us to reach for different vehicles of comfort such as friends/family, television, or alcohol. And once we’re at a level where we feel certain there are no more dangers, we can relax and actually focus on the other needs.  Without certainty you are going to be stressed.  

Our brain loves pattern recognition.  When you recognize a pattern, you feel certain.  Someone starts to look like that, I know what that means, someone starts to say that, oh I know what that means.  When this and this occurs, I usually do that.

But there’s also the other end of the spectrum, where the need for certainty is entirely MET. Think about it, would you want to watch a basketball game if you already knew the score and everything that was going to happen in that game? Probably not, because that’s just freaking boring. Now everyone require different levels of certainty in their lives, for example my own need for certainty is very LOW compared to other. So if things get too predictable, I get BORED. Hence the reason why myself and many others like me seek our next need, which is in directly conflict with our first need.

"Expect anything different!!!?!"

2. Uncertainty/ Variety

We need variety and challenges that will exercise our emotional and physical range.  Everyone needs some variety in life.  Our bodies, our minds, our emotional well-being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, surprise.  The person caught in the same routine day after day will seek change and look for uncertainty.  Just as a sense of security is reassuring, so the excitement that comes from variety is necessary to feel alive.  For some, variety may be satisfied by watching the news on television.  Others may seek extreme high-risk activities such as extreme sports or compulsive sexuality to satisfy the need for uncertainty.  For many, a major source of variety is to experience problems.  Code words for uncertainty/ variety are: fear, instability, change, chaos, entertainment, suspense, exertion, surprise, conflict, and crisis.  

Another word for uncertainty is variety. We all need a change of scenery every now and then, watch a new movie, travel to a new country.  For this is what makes life exciting because we DON’T know what to expect, but the uncertainty level is still tolerable enough that we know in the end the variety will bring us pleasure. Too much uncertainty will bring us fear (see FEAR), while not enough will cause boredom. So really the first two needs are pieces of the same pie, if my need for uncertainty is at 70%, then my need for certainty will only be at 30%.  

3. Significance

Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted.  As babies, we all needed to feel that we were number one.  Children in a family compete with each other and find a way to be special, to feel unique.  Significance comes from comparing ourselves to others--in our quest for significance, we are always involved in hierarchical pecking orders and questions of superiority or inferiority.  We can feel significant because we have achieved something, built something, succeeded at something, or we can seek significance by tearing down something or somebody.  

In it's positive aspect, significance leads us to raise our standards.  But if we are overly focused on significance, we will have trouble truly connecting with others--comparisons focus on differences rather than commonalities.  For some, significance comes from providing for the family; for others, from doing meaningful work; some need to make a major contribution to humanity, some require immense wealth.  Some people achieve a sense of significance by failure, by being the worst at something, or by having low self-esteem.  Whatever the measure of significance, a sense of being important is necessary to all human beings.  Code words for significance are: pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline, competition, and rejection.   
Deep down, we all need to feel that we are important, unique, and special, and this can be manifested in many ways. One vehicle for people is by becoming high achiever, because having those distinctions makes people feel important. But along the need for importance, a poor vehicle some people use is by putting down others, for that makes them feel like they are better than another. Another popular vehicle is acting/dressing in a eccentric way, many people take pride in being different and unique for that’s what fulfills their need for significance. BUT if we strive for TOO much significance and uniqueness, we end up totally different than everyone else which violates our very next need.  

4. Love/ Connection

Everyone needs connection with other human beings, and everyone strives for and hopes for love.  An infant needs to be loved and cared for during a long period of time if it is to develop normally.  Infants who are not held and touched will die.  This need for love continues throughout our lives.  It is epitomized by the concept of romantic love, the one person who will devote their life to us and make us feel complete.  In some cultures, romantic love doesn't exist; it's replaced by the love of relatives, friends, and tribe.  Some people rarely experience love, but they have many ways of feeling connection with others--in the community or in the workplace.  The need to be loved is characteristic of all human beings.  Code for love/ connection are: togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness, and desire.  

We all strive for a level of connection with our peers, whether that be in terms of a friendship or intimate relationship. The core of all human connections are based on similarities or sameness with one another, but if we are too busy being significant we rarely feel connected or similar to someone else. Hence again, the need for significance and connection is sharing the same piece of the pie. If our need for connection is NOT being met, we feel alone and disjointed from people. But if it’s met entirely, we no longer feel different or unique from other, hence losing our own identity and violating our need for significance.  This reminds me of the lifelong/ childhood question: should I fit in with society?  The answer is to never fit in to society for the sake of "fitting in" and feeling connected to everyone.  We need to connect with people who share our passions and virtues.  If you aren't getting enough connection, then you must go out there and find it because we can't tell people what to like and not like  (also see PEOPLE WHO INFLUENCE YOU).

5. Growth

When we stop growing, we die.  We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.  We grow and change physically as we develop from infancy to adulthood and old age.  We grow and change emotionally with every experience, and we grow intellectually as we respond to events and to the world around us.  Anything that you want to remain in your life--your money, your health, your relationship, your happiness, love--must be cultivated developed, expanded. Otherwise it will degenerate.  Some people satisfy the need to grow by working out physically or by reading books.  Others need to study and learn constantly in order to feel that they are truly growing.    

Everything is either growing or dying, there’s no in between. And human beings are no exception, we must feel like we are constantly growing in our lives. Many people’s goal is to reach a certain financial target, or style of life, but when they get there, they become stagnant. While others might envy what these people have or achieve, they themselves are unhappy because their not growing anymore. They’ve reached the plateau, and there are no more mountains to climb. But we all NEED something to strive for, something that’ll challenge us to grow and take our lives to the next level.

6. Contribution
Contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs.  If you are focused on contributing to others, you have the certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way); you have variety (contribution is highly interactive); you have significance, because you know you are helping others and improving their lives; the spiritual bond created when you help others gives you a deep sense of connection; and you grow by creatively helping others.  

The need for contribution--to go beyond our own needs and to give to others.  A life is incomplete without the sense that one is making a contribution to others or to a cause.  It is in the nature of human beings to want to give back, to leave a mark on the world.  Giving to others may mean giving time to community service, making a charitable donation, planting trees, writing a book, or giving to one's children.  Not only can everyone contribute in some way, but contibution is essential to a sense of fulfillment and to happiness.  

Aside from ourselves, we all desire to make a difference and contribute to the greater good. In essence, Philanthropy is a universal need for everyone, it DOESN’T depend on the person, for everything must serve a purpose in the big ecosystem. So we as human beings all have a deep desire to contribute outside of ourselves, whether that’s manifested in the friendship circle, community, society, or country as a whole.

The first four needs--certainty, variety, love, and significance--are essential for human survival.  They are the fundamental needs of the personality--everyone must feel that they have met them on some level, even if they have to lie to themselves to do so.  

The last two needs, growth and contribution, are essential to human fulfillment.  They are the needs of the spirit, and not everyone finds a way to satisfy them, although they are necessary for lasting fulfillment.  

When our needs for love, growth, and contribution, are satisfied, they encompass all our other needs.  When we focus on something beyond ourselves, most of our problems and sources of pain become less significant.  

Everyone experiences the same six human needs.  However everyone finds different ways of satisfying those needs.  Each of thse needs can be met in ways that are positive or negative.  Some ways of satisfying these needs are good for the person, good for others, and good for society, and some are bad for everyone.  

With empathy and understanding comes appreciation for the circumstance and challenges both you and the other person bring to the relationship.  Empathy is essential for change.  

Understanding can occur at three levels:  

• The Individual
• What needs you or the other value most?
• What needs you or the other use for meeting your needs?
• What is your or the other's model of the world? 
• What brings you or the other pain?
• The Relationship

• What needs are being met in your relationship?
• How are these needs being met?
• What are the rules of the relationship?
• What weapons are habitually being used?
• The System
• Who communicates with whom and how?
• Who has power over whom and in what way?
• What is the hierarchy?